I'm getting married in a little over four months... or rather, in as LITTLE as four months. And I'm scared. I'm not scared of actually being married; I'm rather excited about committing before God, our family, friends, and the State of Florida, to marrying my best friend. No, what I'm scared about is how I'll look walking -- hopefully not waddling -- down the aisle, if everything goes right, and whether people will walk away thinking, "Those two really are made for each other" or "Wow, I guess she really didn't screw up her life because she's finally get things right." I don't necessarily need the validation to know that we are meant to be, but I do have this ridiculous need for their acceptance.
I woke up at 5am today, ready to hit the gym to burn off some of this long-attached blubber. That is the one thing about being in a relationship that you're happy and comfortable in; people tend to laze about. However, given all that I'm going through with the SLE and having to be as healthy as possible, the weight has to be the first to go so that my body can run as efficiently as possible. I started fainting again recently, which means that all of the stress of the wedding is definitely getting to me. Some people get migraines or insomnia when they are stressed out; I get those too. However, after those I also get fainting spells, blackouts, and eventually seizures. My body/mind simply cannot handle stress. I don't mean little stressful things that we all deal with every day, but when there's a bunch of problems at once, instead of being able to tackle one thing at a time, my whole body shuts down. It sucks and it's scary. Especially when you have two little kids who at 8 and 9 are old hat at knowing to turn mommy on her side so she doesn't bite her tongue during a seizure or to grab some water to splash her face with so that she wakes up. It's one of the reasons they both have cell phones at their young ages.
I've tried so many things to combat the stress. Yoga, meditation, anti-anxiety meds, fasting, praying... the only thing that SOMEWHAT helps is exercise. Perhaps it is the rush of adrenaline, but mostly I believe it's feeling my body working at something other than just existing, and thus allowing it to run efficiently. Problem is I'm lazy and unmotivated. I've been engaged since October 2010. I've lost a whopping five pounds. Okay, to be fair I've gained and lost about 20lbs, but as of last check, I'm only 5 lbs lighter than I was at the time. So on the plus side, that means that I'm marrying someone who doesn't care what I look like... especially since I've probably gained 50 lbs in the six years we've been together. Negative side is that at my height and bone structure, I'm killing myself.
So I woke up early this morning, determined to get my body back in functioning order so that when I walk down the aisle, everyone can ooh and ahh and I can believe them. I'm not just chubby, I'm fat and there is no more hiding it. According to my bone structure, I'm technically obese. I didn't think it was that bad, but as of right now it's 33. A size 14 isn't that big, right? It's the average size of an American woman... But if I can put it on, I can take it off, right?
Anyway, back to this morning. I woke up before the sun did, dressed, and walked over to my apartment complex's gym (that's right, I have a gym at my disposal and yet I'm still a human Kirby) only to find two signs on the door; one stated that the AC was broken and would be fixed today, the other stated that the security code had changed and if you wanted access you had to wait until the office opened at 9am anyway. UGH.
Ticked off, I walked back home, did the dishes I should have done last night, and made myself some coffee and oatmeal. Hopefully I'll remain motivated enough to go later on. I just don't like going when other people are there. It's a small gym and I can't help but feel judged. I know I shouldn't because at least I'm there, but there aren't other fatties. Guess that's what happens when you live in a college town.
According to The Knot, there are only 136 days until my wedding. How much weight can I lose by then, I wonder... Hopefully enough that my bridal party doesn't have to roll me down the aisle.
